Shame: The Professional Prison

What’s the opposite of shame?
Is it being proud? Or is it having enough equilibrium and inner security to be open about who we are?

I have held definition of ‘shame’ with me for many a year, so please forgive me if it is less than accurate. I do believe it still has integrity:
“Guilt is a FEELING we get when we have done something wrong. It is something we can make amends for and move on. In contrast Shame is the experience of BEING wrong. It is often the product not if our own experiences but caused by the perceptions of others, especially the family of origin, internalised when we were young ”

Shame in my experience can be a totally overwhelming, physiological experience. It can be paralysing in our personal lives, and corrosive in our professional ones. Because there is no obvious cause, there is seemingly no cure either….. 

So what can be done? Whilst the bad news is that no quick-fix for shame, there are a series of small, simple and effective steps that encourage shame to fade right away until it holds no power over your career whatsoever…..
Firstly; we must stop comparing ourselves with others.. Substitute these thoughts instead with the practise of affirming yourself for things you have achieved and have done well…….Do this regularly, incessantly, rigorously, in order to drown out the negative nonsense that belongs in the past and to create new neural pathways.
Secondly; try being as kind to yourself as you would to an uncertain child…… We need to quiet and replace those critical-parent voices that have driven us onward for so long…… encourage yourself every step of the way…..
Thirdly; Relax..,. I know, it ain’t that easy but please try it. The chemicals in our brains that respond to shame cause our bodies tense right up until we are aching and ridged. Science has proven that changing our thinking has a direct link to changes in our body. And we now know that changing our bodies, our posture, out position, our environmental space, likewise has a profound effect on our thoughts….. Do it! If we can work simultaneously on the mind and the body, interrupting the cycle from both ends, then we have a much better chance of achieving success more swiftly. 
My fourth suggestion has been life-saving for me. In order to challenge the shame that I carried, I had to risk sharing who and how I am with others …..I sought out counsellors, professional mentors, trusted friends, and family members who were on my side. I joined and even created groups of like-minded people who had big hearts and open minds. I asked for help from medical professionals and risked conferring with chosen colleagues. I tentatively but rigorously sought out people, other humans, who could and would hold my experiences and emotions.
I did make mistakes, I did ocasionally choose the ‘wrong’ person or the wrong time, but, the more I took the risk of being authentic, the more I realised that I was not alone in this challenging existence…..The more I risked being me, both at home and in my work, the more times I said what I really felt, or owned that I did not understand something or that I was frightened or cross, the more my need for my defences came down…… And then I began to feel I belonged…..
Whilst there are still times that shame can come and bite me on the bum. It is always when I least expect it, but now I know what to do with it….. I can interrupt that old cycle and I can put it in perspective, I can reassure myself, I can remember to be kind to myself, I can relax and I can seek solace amongst those who care for me and whom I love dearly.This way I know I am not alone, either in my feelings or in my life. 
So what if we practised seeking, rigorously, the opposite of shame. What if we chose to believe that we are good enough and equal to others on our work? What energy might we free up to ‘grow’ the good things at work and play?

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